westfallcorndog | Starfleet Intercepts Distress Signal

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Starfleet Intercepts Distress Signal

Tonight, the night before the visit to Viatorus's mansion and his first trip to Earth, Harrowheart is avoiding sleep. There's just too much on his mind threatening to explode into more bizarre dreams. Staying awake is the best decision, he wagers. And while he's up, he might as well make someone else suffer with him. He sits on the kitchen counter in V's Nexus apartment with his phone in hand, and he's gotta admit... these tiny Steve fingers make texting so much easier.

Jim, yo. I need you to be my love doctor.

Oh, no. He can't send that. That's poorly-worded at best. He tries again.

Hey Jim, couldn't sleep and thinking of you

FUCK. Okay, erase. Once more with ~~feeling~~ self-awareness.

Jim! There's an alien princess I want to get with but I don't know what to do! You know this better than me. Need your advice. Text asap meeting her tomorrow.

Much better. He hits the send button and none-too-casually stares unblinkingly at his phone, eager and desperate for the response to come.

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Jim stares down at his phone in disbelief for several minutes. Is he dreaming? No, he has no-dream tea now. So he's definitely awake.

Harrow? aren't you in some kid's body right now? Jim pauses, scrubs over his gargoyle face with one hand. Hey, might as well if you can, right? He starts another text to follow his first.

What's she like?

He's not a kid he's just timeless. He's small and cute and fragile like a baby bird. Chicks dig that.

Honestly, he's starting to get a little defensive over this body. As long as it's his he's going to find its best qualities. But in hindsight, these may not be the attributes this particular alien princess digs.

Harrow frowns at the follow-up text.

She's rich and serious and classy. She stands up for what she believes in. She's magical and I have been told she could kick my ass but that's a plus imo. Also the first time we met she yelled at me and hates my guts. Can I turn this around?

Suit up, if you've got one, first off. Second. Confidence. You need to act like you're just as high and mighty as she is. That demure nice farm boy shit ain't gonna cut it. That's how the Help acts.

Jim strokes Naugus's beard while he tries to think. God he hates being in this body.

Charm is all about being classy. Talking like you know what's going on, being diplomatic, and giving her the best charming smile and eyes you can whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Demure nice farm boy? Is that what Jim thinks of him? Shit, shoot, etc. Harrow frowns deeply. Of course Jim thinks that. He acts like a total basket case for the first 15 minutes every time they meet. Harrow makes a mental note to cut that out... At least for his meeting with Isidor. Baby steps.

Won't she see right thru it if I fake it? Pretty sure she knows I'm a dumb farm boy already because I got in a fight with her once about how rich people are leeches. Oops.

A few seconds later follows:

I super fucked up. But I've been chilling with her little brother and that's going good? Didn't expect to like him but I do. Should I bring that up or will it look too obvious?

She doesn't know you're the same guy she got into a fight with, remember? You're in What's-his-name's body right now. Dress your best, look like you belong there, and try not to stare. Smirk confidently and maybe chuckle at any jokes made, and otherwise look generally like you are the most important person in the room. She'll either seek you out to 'put you in your place' and you can charm her more, or she'll defer to you because that's how their world works.

Jim literally cannot believe he is doing this right now.

Maybe bring a bottle of wine or a small gift to apologize for coming unannounced.

Harrow squints at these texts. Is Jim... Is Jim an asshole? He sounds kinda like an asshole. But the fact remains that he's the master scorer. Or...

Harrow glances suspiciously around the room. Maybe Jim doesn't actually have any game and he's been deluding everyone all this time. These texts are opening up a whole new possibility that Jim is a loser – possibly even a virgin – who's been gaming the system his whole life and merely passing for a cool guy.

That's too much deep thought, and moreover Harrow will hear none of it. Jim is cool, and he is not an asshole, and by that logic his advice must be sound.

Dude she's going to know it's me.

Oh. Oh! He hadn't explained!

This alien babe is actually not an alien to you because she's from Earth. She's from London. She is Viatorus's sister. We are going to see they're family to put us back in the right bodies. She is going to know its me! Should I still be smug and confident until it is revealed or should I change my tactic?

Jim sighs and swears under his breath. It's goddamn impossible to give this sort of advice over text and not sound like a total tool while still making it easy to follow.
But he's helping his undead knight friend score with some dude's sister while he's in a third person's body.

So..this is actually kind of a tool thing they're talking about doing, if we're being honest.

If she's going to know it's you, lose the bravado. Still suit up, still bring the gift, and try to be as charming as possible. Smile a lot and ask her questions she'll want to talk about. Herself, her family, whatever it is she's into.

So just be nice and cool. I can do at least one of those. Lying over text and without a hint of shame.

You said be diplomatic. What do you think is diplomatic? Classy pickup lines or are we talking about political talk cuz I don't know Earth politics. I only know that in America they vote. What do you say when you meet royalty from other planets? Give me a topic I can pretend to know about!!

No. Faking knowing something makes you look awful when she finds out. When I said be diplomatic, what I meant was hold your tongue. If something's awful or offensive, just smile and nod. It's got nothing to do with you and there's a world full of history that isn't yours and won't agree with your morals all the time. Unless someone directly verbally attacks you or your friends, you just pretend not to hear it or that it's fine."

Jim has so, so much experience doing that. Except when people insult Bones or Spock. Or really any of his crew. That's why he included an 'unless' because Jim isn't about to be a hypocrite over that. Plus, anyone that would do that isn't worth the effort anyway.

"Shit," Harrow whispers. That's going to be hard. Getting into shirtless fights on the front lawn during family gatherings is practically a part of his identity. Now he's not even allowed to point out bullshit unless he's doing it defensively?

This is too much strategy. Huge bonerkill. Why are fairytales always about hooking up with nobility when this is what it's like?

Know I'm going to forget I said that when I see her though. She's so pretty and witty and smart. I liked her from the minute I met her but then I got all nervous and had to go and be a dick to her and her brother. Pretty sure I talked a lot about being an axe murderer.

not that i am an axe murderer jim of course lol

That's what they call Diplomacy™.

A minute passes before a few more texts float in.

Jim? Have you ever played the long game?

I mean has there ever been someone you wanted to really get to know and connect with? Do you ever want to feel special and important to someone for more than just one night?

It's not strategy, it's just years of experience that I'm trying to condense into bite sized tidbits. You asked for help. I'm helping.

And from the sound of it, Harrow's going to need all the help he can get. There isn't a reply to that last text for a long time. Jim's sat and stared at it for nearly five minutes, biting at his lower lip.

I'm the wrong guy to ask about that kind of advice. Relationships and I don't mix. It always ends badly.

There's a good way to avoid answering the question. Because yes. He has so much it hurt. But no one wants Jim Kirk. Just what they think he is. He recalls Felix's exasperated rant at the Harp earlier that day and his stomach drops into his feet. He's a fool to even wish for anything more than he's got.

A small sigh escapes when Harrow reads Jim's last text. It's sad to him that, from his perspective, Jim doesn't want to love or be loved. Even the most exciting flings can't possibly bring a person all the happiness and fulfillment of a relationship. He wants to encourage him to try. He wants to tell him that it's worth it to let another person into his life. Jim deserves to know that happiness. His thumbs hover over the touchscreen...

He needs a glass of water. Viatorus hasn't got any food, but hopefully he has cups. Harrow doesn't want to have to drink out of his hands like some kind of dirty orc. Luckily there are glasses and the sink does work, and boy does he chug that water like it's a competition. He can't believe he was about to tell Jim Kirk to try finding love.

He takes his phone to an actual chair this time and allows himself to sit someplace more comfortable than a marble kitchen counter. With a little bit of wiggling he finds his groove.

Hopefully someday it won't.

That seems enough. There's nothing worse than being pressured into something you don't want, especially in matters of romance.

Then it's time to get back on track. Or... Sort of on track. A little memory brings him a laugh and he can't not type it out.

When I met you at the ball I thought you were only into chicks. I think its you're hair. Verity laughed in my face when I told her I thought you were straight lol

I hope Isidor is into guys but I get some gay vibes. Maybe that would be best because then we could just be friends. Living chicks don't want to get with dead guys for the long term. Living chicks want babies and I'm kind of a dead end lol

Ah, the lols of self-defense. We know you well.

Abandonment issues and poor role models make the prospect of a long term relationship terrifying and anything but feasible, in Jim's mind.

I have a very loving long term relationship with the Enterprise. Married to my work ain't a bad thing.

It's the go-to reply form him when relationship comes into the conversation. Jim can't help but snort when he reads the rest.

I mainly hit on chicks. But I am an equal opportunity flirt, and there'snot a whole lot of ladies in the Nexus. Yeah women and long term usually means things I can't give, either.

Time. A stable home. It's not fair to them. And Jim's finally found a place where he's happy. He doesn't want to lose the ship because of a bad decision with a woman who'd just leave anyway.

When you wed the ship will you finally invite me to see her? Promise I won't steal you're girl. I mean I like big girls but not THAT big.

Harrowheart, how dare you text that way about Jim's beloved? He laughs quietly to himself and finds himself sinking a little deeper into the chair. Sleep... All this body wants to do is sleep. But he's having long-distance fun with his friends, and if there's one universal truth about the human condition it's that electronic conversations trump bodily functions.

What's the deal with their being no chicks here anyway. Sausage fest much? Also why are all the humans here white? Am I the only one who notices that?

He quickly follows up with

Sorry. OVERLANDERS lol. You feeling any hatred for the human race since you've been in Nowguss? Or have any more empathy moments? I want to hear that things are going better for you!

She's too much for you to handle, anyway. :P

It made Jim smile though, which means more than Harrow can know, with this topic under discussion.

There's plenty of women and other kinds of people outside the forum. I've had a good time with more than a few girls in the commercial district. Human is fine. That's what we are. I don't hate people but I sure am tired of Naugus. Things are fine though.

Not entirely true, but what he's learned--or thinks hes learned-- from this exercise isn't something he wants to talk about yet.

Harrow smiles at that first text. These two might as well be teen girls at a sleepover, smiling at bad jokes and chatting about who they like. In a way, they are all kind of at sleepovers... In someone else's body. Harrow spends a few seconds thanking fate that he wasn't turned into Naugus, but he keeps those thoughts to himself. That's probably the last thing Jim wants to hear right now.

Glad to hear your good. Hope this all blows over soon.

I think I got a game plan for tomorrow. Steve has a suit and V mentioned nice clothes for my real body I think? I am not going to buy a bottle of wine or anything because they are rich and I bet they know good wine. I'm not going to bring a gift at all. It would look like demure farm boy shit. I'm going to be confident but not a dick. I will not lie about anything and I will not tell them I am a cloud person. 

I might text you tomorrow as it all goes down if I have time. If I'm up shit creek I'll let you know. If this goes good I owe you a drink for the advice. If it goes bad we are going out anyway so we can laugh about my bad game. 

Thanks for the advice dude. Your a bro and I owe you!!

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Starfleet Intercepts Distress Signal

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Naug's icons on these texts. So wrong.

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When Harrow finally learns Jim is dating Felix he'll mark it on his calendar as a new holiday

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http://tinyurl.com/hsdmhos

Laughed entirely too hard at that

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