Harrowheart (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
westfallcorndog) wrote2018-06-28 08:50 pm
westfallcorndog) wrote2018-06-28 08:50 pm
Walls Go Up (For Juststeverogers)
The ground was hard and rough with frost when Harrowheart had begun preparations for the foundation of his home, and now in the heat of the summer when the water of the air condenses on his cold and pallid skin like sweat the whole affair is finally complete. Wooden walls and wooden floors, wooden everything where it could be, excepting of course the green damask wallpaper he saw fit to put above the wainscoting. White paint on the outside, windows with real glass to let the light in, and a grey-shingled roof... Elune, it came out perfect.
Today the final screw had secured the final door, and now, as the Nexus' approximation of a sun begins to set, Harrowheart is seated at the edge of the – his! – front porch. He twists the cap off his beer and lifts it in the air towards Steve in cheers.
"None of this could'a happened without you, man," he says, his quiet voice suggesting a tiredness he can't possibly be feeling. "I know I'm gonna be the one livin' here, but this'll always be the house we built together."
Today the final screw had secured the final door, and now, as the Nexus' approximation of a sun begins to set, Harrowheart is seated at the edge of the – his! – front porch. He twists the cap off his beer and lifts it in the air towards Steve in cheers.
"None of this could'a happened without you, man," he says, his quiet voice suggesting a tiredness he can't possibly be feeling. "I know I'm gonna be the one livin' here, but this'll always be the house we built together."
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When he can though Steve reaches up with a hand to Harrow's shoulder and claps him on it weakly. They're both a complete mess. Steve's got something that looks and feels like chemical burns over much of his body and his face is a wreck from being pummeled with those ice hunks Harrow used to replace his floating fists. He's hurt Harrowheart, broken something in his face. They're both 'bleeding' in their own ways. Was it worth this? But Harrowheart is holding him tight, not glaring up at him in hatred.
"You're n....not evil." Cough. Oh, ugh. He needs to sit up.
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"I'm not."
He shakes his head and covers his eyes in the crook of his arm.
"I'm not evil," he croaks. "I'm a coward. Just like she said."
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Steve brings up one knee of his own to lean on, though a bit of his weight is still on Harrowheart all the while. Deliberately unafraid to be close like this. None of this is easy and it could quickly lead to one of them getting very very hurt or dead the way things were going.
Not this time. This didn't turn into a case where he had to honest to god try to bring down one of his friends again. Steve's grateful for that.
"Not her, not me. No one. And...even if she's right, it doesn't have to be forever."
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There's a renewed bitterness and determination in his voice when he whispers, "That's what you don't get, Steve. Some coward acts are forever. Some things happen and there's no goin' back from 'em. Sometimes you make a choice, and no matter how much you regret it? No matter how much you wish you could take it back? Someone wants to punish you for it. Forever."
Steve doesn't know what he's talking about, and Harrow isn't going to hear it. As his thoughts grind in his head he glares, grit-toothed, off to the side.
"That's why she deserved it. That's why I hit her in the first place. 'Cause she wanted me to suffer, and I wasn't gonna let her torture me any more. I wasn't gonna let her get any more satisfaction out of hurtin' me."
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Steve's leaning forward against his own knee just trying to take stock of how hurt he is. He's been through much, much worse before but it's an old habit and one he's having a hard time stopping himself from falling into now while he's mostly focused on what Harrow's saying.
"Wouldn't Reynard be the one deserving it if he was manipulating her? The words came out of her mouth, but wouldn't they have been his?"
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He runs his hands through his hair, then smears them down his face. "I shouldn't'a hit her, Steve. I know I shouldn't'a hit her. But... I don't think I feel bad that I did? So what now? How could I ever fix this when I feel that way?"
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Steve understands.
He doesn't like it, doesn't agree with it. But he does understand a little bit better.
"But what....about the rest of it?" The woman he enslaved. The reason Reynard manipulated Anna to begin with. Harrow choosing his necromancy instead of not just Anna but his entire family. Anna's hurtful words aren't the whole story. "The rest...of your family?" He gives a wave of his hand in a half circle he can't complete the gesture of sitting at this angle.
"Even...if you don't want to fix things with her, what about the rest of it?"
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He hangs his head and looks away. "I can't ask you to understand, because you ain't got any... But once a person gets magic in 'em... That's like askin' you blind yourself. A person can't choose that, Steve. A person can't just give that up."
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Steve doesn't try to argue that he would. He'd give up the serum in a second if it would save his family. Someone important to him. It's not magic so far as he knows but Steve's pretty sure he'd give that up too for the right people. But it doesn't matter what Steve would choose either. Steve isn't Harrowheart. Only Harrow can make and live with his own choices. What Steve can do is try to help him bear the weight of them. Or at least help him find other solutions.
"You can't un-make an enemy out of Reynard. But you can probably salvage your family." Steve gives a small grunt of exertion as he gets to his feet and then holds a hand out to help Harrow up. "I'll help you figure something out, but you gotta be the one to go through with it."
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He sighs through his nose and doesn't meet Steve's eyes.
"You're a better friend than I deserve," he mumbles. Stealing a glance at his friend's face he offers, "Lemme ice those wounds of yours. And... Maybe you can tell me what you'd do, if you were in my spot?"
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He'll have to get his door looked at, but that's so far from being the most important thing in Steve's mind that he barely registers it when he's tugging the door closed behind them as they slowly file back into the kitchen and out of the sweltering heat.
"Yeah well, I'm the friend you've got so you gotta deal with me." Steve tenses a little bit at the idea of more ice after their scuffle, but it's not the damage that concerns him. "I'd rather just leave it. I earned these blows. And besides...I was frozen. When I missed all that time. It's difficult to deal with the cold for a whole other reason now than when I was little. Serum'll have it healing soon enough, I don't stay down for long anymore, even if I wanted to."
Continued in Discord:
It's too soon after a fight to think about beer, but damn if the sound of it doesn't relax Harrowheart, if only just a hint. He follows behind Steve with his head down, until it occurs to him that the pokemon are going to be there on the ground. He can't explain why he doesn't want to face their judgement in particular, and he isn't going to try.
Once back in the kitchen he finds himself leaning against the same place he'd been before his fight with Steve really began, though now with none of the defiance or self-assurance.
"So what would you do?" he asks tiredly. "If you did everything I did?" A heavy sigh. He doesn't want to say this, but he can't not bring it up. "You helped Bucky with somethin' worse than this."
Steve
To be honest all Steve wants is to sit down and relax after all of that. He hates how used to putting his fists up to people he considers friends. And yet he still does it so readily. Maybe Buck was right. At the end of the day Steve doesn't know what to do with himself if he's not headlong into a fight. Even if it's with his friends. He gives the girls a nod and a smile to let them know everything's okay but Ethel keeps them out of the kitchen. Neither Steve nor Harrow look like they want any company right now and with their duel over everything should be fine, right?
Steve pulls out one of the chairs from the table in the corner and turns it round so he can settle his weight in it. And good thing he was sitting because Harrow has to go and bring up Bucky. The man who's at least two thirds of the reason why Steve's currently a wanted fugitive and war criminal.
"Bucky wasn't in control when he did the things he did. He didn't choose to do any of it. But the rest of the world don't see it that way. They don't know what happened. He's going to have a lot of folks to convince if he wants to reintegrate back home." They all will. Steve's not sure it'll be worth the trouble to try but if Bucky wants to go home he'll do it and never once look back. "I've got a lot to answer for too, when I go back. And I'll admit that I did everything they accuse me of, so long as it's true. Even the bad stuff. And I'll accept punishment for it. But not the stuff I know wasn't wrong."
Harrowheart
"So give it to me straight, Steve," Harrowheart says. He opens another beer but doesn't move to take a drink. Instead he leaves it on the nearest counter, something safe to glance at from time to time. "What do you think is the first and most important thing I gotta apologize for in all of this? Settin' aside whether or not I can convince myself all of it was wrong... Tell me where to start."
Steve
"Causing them physical harm. Even if you can't forgive your sister she's not the kind of woman who could best you in a fight. The attack was not just or fair. For hurting them and attacking your own blood....that's probably the biggest transgression."
And he doesn't even know about the rest of them.
Steve doesn't reach for a beer yet for himself.
"No one's expected to get along perfectly with everyone all the time. Not even the people they care about. But that doesn't excuse abuse. You apologizing for hurting her doesn't excuse her emotional abuse toward you. It's not the same as saying she was right."
Harrowheart
Harrowheart's brows twitch and he finds himself grateful for the beer to stare at. He finds himself looking at it long enough that he decides to pick it up once more, but still can't bring himself to drink it.
"You really think that?" he asks without looking up at Steve. "That I can apologize for what I did without sayin' I was wrong for doin' it in the first place?"
Now he raises his eyes and watches Steve with confusion and worry twisting up his features. "'Cause I can't let her be right about everything she's been sayin' to me since I came back into my family's life. I can't go back to lettin' her treat me like that. Treatin' myself like that."
Steve
"You were wrong to do it. That action specifically. You weren't wrong to defy her though. There's plenty of ways to dispute with her that don't come down to bloodshed and physical violence. Like it or not she's part of that family too and you can't rebuild trust with them if they fear the next one to upset you will get their bones broken or worse if they speak up."
Steve sighs then, reaching back behind him for the fridge door so he can get himself one of the beers.
"You can't build respect out of fear."