westfallcorndog | Cinema Theory (Tagging Amelia)

Despite knowing that Amelia was potentially in a difficult spot, he's still taken aback by that sudden question. It shows in a raise of his eyebrows and a widening of his eyes, but only briefly, and to his fortune she doesn't turn to see him. He controls his expression and even has a brief moment to consider his answer.

"I let myself feel whatever comes after. If I'm angry, I let it out on somethin' that won't feel pain. If I'm sad, I cry until I can't anymore. If I'm lonely, I try to think good thoughts about the person I'm missin' until I feel good again."

He takes a seat in the snow and rests his wrists against his bent knees. "If I feel like the bad guy, I try to make amends. And if I feel like the victim, I..." He frowns. "I try to prove that I can be strong. That's when it's the hardest. But in the end, it's all the same: I let myself feel what my heart tells me to feel until my soul's too tired to cry or rage or keep me locked away, and then I try and get on with my life. And when enough time passes, the hurt isn't always on your mind. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes not. But the universe has this weird way of movin' on and takin' you with."

He eyes Amelia, quiet for a moment, then hesitantly asks, "Do you know what you're feelin' right now? Maybe we can talk about that?"

"Pain. Sorrow. Grief. Loneliness."

She sighs softly, returning her weaponry to her belt.

"Every day I wake up and wonder what terrible thing I'll feel next. My heart's broken and it's my own damn fault." An ungloved hand curls into a tight fist at her side. "But I can't break out of it. Nothing feels the same any more. I wish... I wish..."

A long silence settles between them, broken after a few moments by the slow pat of something wet hitting the snow. When Harrow searches for the source, he'll notice a few red drops below Amelia's curled up hand.

"I wish I couldn't feel anything at all."

Blood. He knows that smell, even just a hint of it. He feels his heart beat once at the sight of it, but it isn't from excitement.

It's dread.

He manages despite himself to keep his voice and his expression utterly calm He withdraws a cigarette and his silver lighter from his overshirt pocket and takes a long, silent drag. The smoke comes out not in a billow but as tiny puffs with his quiet, carefully-pronounced words.

"Are you implying what I think you're implying?..."

"I didn't say I wanted to die." Two very different things, Harrow.

As she seems to finally become aware of what's going on with her hand, she lifts it in front of her and, after wiping it off a bit, wraps her hand with a spare piece of cloth from one of her many pouches.

"Not everyone has a chance to come back from death once they've crossed that threshold and I would rather not face it just yet. If I'm to face the nightmares that await on the other side, then I want them to fucking mean something. I want my sins to be worth it."

What the hell is she on about? Nightmares in the after life? Sins? Doesn't sound like any Earth religion Harrow might have heard of.

Harrow would have interrupted her before she's gone on past her first sentence, but she's just too quick for him and it would be so rude for him to stop her.

"Good," he finally grunts, and with it flicks the tiny stubble of ash from the end of his cigarette. He laughs under his breath and explains, "'Cause I was about to fuckin' lifecoach the shit outta you for that one."

Then he points his cigarette at her and sternly says, "But don't you assume or imply I don't know the price of death just 'cause I'm risen up, Amelia, and don't you even act like I couldn't possibly know about the pointlessness of dyin' before your time and the nightmares that come after that."

Seems like nightmares makes perfect sense to this guy. Weird religion theory: Tentatively confirmed?

He pats the snow near where he sits and returns his cigarette to his mouth. Jarring as it may be to shift from the previous topic to this one, he still does his best to put on a welcoming expression. "Now have a sit-down and let's talk about your situation. Tell me what's got you hurtin' and we can riddle it all out from there. I can't promise any good answers, but I can promise I'll listen, and I can promise I'll try my best."

"It's not the same." Oh Harrow. You have no idea what she's talking about. Nightmares you can wake up from are one thing, but how do you handle an entire afterlife that stretches into eternity of them? There's no breaks, no momentary reprieve, no blissful waking.

That is what Amelia believes is waiting for her.

She turns to him when he pats the snow, but she isn't coming over to take a seat. Getting sick by sitting around in the cold after her workout isn't what she had in mind for the evening. She'll come closer, though, and pace a few feet away. "There's nothing to riddle out. I know what's wrong. I caused it and there's no turning back. What I've done... it needs to stay done. For everyone's sake."

So she's going to assume he has no idea what he's talking about, and she's going to continue to be cryptic. Harrow squints at her, strongly debating whether or not he really knows her well enough to put up with any of this bullshit. In the end, though, what else would he be doing with the rest of his night? Against his better judgement he stays put.

"So this is the kinda loss that you feel responsible for. In that case, the only way to feel better for good is to make amends in any way you can. And if what you did needs to stay done, like you said, that means all you can do is apologize to the people who need to hear an apology. Would you be one of those people, Amelia? Do you need to forgive yourself?"

"There's no one left to apologize to because they're all gone!"

She stops in her pacing, her hands shaking at her side.

"Because I closed it off. To keep all of the dangers here in the Nexus out I closed off my entire world from this place. I left my family, my city, my..."

Dreams, she hasn't dealt with this part of all of this yet. The confusion about leaving behind one love and realizing she had another waiting. Oh fuck it hurts. It hurts. She left the one behind and she can't have the other. Fuck, fuck, ow. She rubs at her eyes to get rid of the tears that are forming.

"It's all gone. And it has to stay that way."

Amelia's position is definitely a dilemma. Harrow scratches idly at one of his sideburns while the cigarette rolls side to side across his lips.

"The world that you left behind... Do you think it knows that you loved it? Your family, if someone asked them, would they say 'Amelia always loved us, and we always loved her.'?"

"The people who matter most to me know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

The mix of tears with the cold stings her eyes. No wonder people avoid doing this outside during the winter.

"It's not gone, Harrow, just unreachable. Most people are none the wiser about that, too." Most. Not all.

"Knowin' that they know doesn't make it hurt any less now, but as time goes on it will. When you think about the people who'll miss you in return, it'll mean the world to you to know they know you love 'em. Trust me on that one."

Since Amelia won't sit, he decides to stand. He doesn't approach her yet, but he faces her and spends a short amount of time considering her.

"I had a talk with a lady just the other day. Viatorus's sister. You ever met her?" He pauses only long enough for Amelia to think and doesn't give her time to speak. "We talked about things a person has to do in their lifetime. The big decisions, the hard ones. She reminded me that the work we gotta do, like goin' to war for our world, or protectin' our family, or," he motions toward her, "Shuttin' off the only door to our planet? It's thankless. People don't always understand it. Sometimes it feels like you can't even share your problems because of that. Like if you open your mouth and try to talk about it, someone's gonna treat you like a fool for doin' what you did. Do you feel like that? Has anyone treated you like that already? Or do you worry that someone might?"

Amelia nods at the mention of Isidor. Oh yes, she's most certainly met the woman who reminded her that her non-magical blood means she has zero chances with Viatorus. She understands exactly where Isidor is coming from, why she does things the way she does. Hell, she even understands and agrees with it, which is why she's agreed to help keep anyone else from getting so close to Viatorus as to allow him to develop feelings for them.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a knife to the back every time she thinks about it.

"Isidor and I have come to an understanding about many things." And that's all she's going to say about that for the moment.

"Others tried to dissuade me from the choice, but only two other people know it's done." Well, technically three, but fuck Naugus. "I have plenty of other reasons to feel the fool, and I've been reminded of that plenty already today." By what, a movie? Harrow can try and figure that out on his own, because she's moving on. "People aren't always kind to someone as abrasive as me. I don't have a lot to offer... anyone... I expect to be taken for a fool and stomped on any time I give a damn."

She's... not talking about her world anymore. That much is obvious.

She's said a lot, and more importantly left a lot unsaid. Obviously this is a delicate subject -- or multiple subjects, as the case may be. He'd hate to say something too soon before he knows the damage he could cause by speaking. Yet as unwilling as she appears to be to come right out with the information, she's still willing to speak. He might be able to learn more if he's careful.

"Who or what is makin' you feel foolish, Amelia? I figure that ain't easy. You're goin' through so much already."

"I only have myself to blame."

She wraps her arms around herself and rubs her arms for warmth. It stings her wrapped hand, but she ignores it. Her pacing continues, though she makes sure Harrow can't see her face - or the fact that her cheeks are very red right now.

"Can you... promise not to tell anyone a secret?"

Harrow glances left, then right. He even looks all the way behind him, as if he expects other people might be listening. It's only him and her for now, and the privacy of it all makes it so much easier to nod when he faces her again.

"I know how serious secrets are, Amelia. You asked me not to tell anyone, and I won't. I won't even half-truth it or kinda hint, or anything like that. Your secret's safe with me."

He nods again definitively. Unless he's a very good actor, none of that was a lie.

She peers over her shoulder at him, the red color of her face obvious before she turns away quickly.

"Viatorus came to see me the other day," she begins, her voice soft. "I asked him to come so I could see my friend and not be alone for a little while. He was so kind and comforting. I've... never been held that close before, never been the one being comforted before, either. It was so... nice."

Her grip on her arms tightens slightly. "I had a terrible dream while he was there, and I was really hard on myself. And then... I couldn't help it. I just..."

She stops pacing and pulls her hood up over her head. "I told him I loved him. I kissed him, too. And then he did the right thing and pushed me away."

Oh, Light. It's love. He was so sure he'd be walking less delicately once he knew about the situation, but this really only complicates things. People don't want to hear the truth in love, and, more importantly, you never want to be in the position to tell someone the truth – or what you believe is the truth. They have to make their own mistakes. And, honestly, it sounds like Amelia has.

With all of that on his mind it's exceedingly difficult for Harrow to keep a straight face. He raises his eyebrows and widens his eyes and allows his look of confusion and surprise to be quickly redirected. "Viatorus?" he asks. "I didn't know you two were so close. Shoot..."

He looks all around, and suddenly wishes he was sitting again. That's easily remedied. He sets himself down in the snow once more and pats a thoughtful beat against his knees.

"So you had feelings for Viatorus. You told him that. You kissed him. And he needed space."

Deep breath in, no breath out.

He looks up at Amelia, studies her face closely.

"Can I ask why you love him? Is that too personal?" It's a seemingly serious question of good intentions and honest curiosity. There's no subtle insult there behind his words – or at least he doesn't mean for there to be.

"He does't need space - he can't be with me," she corrects. "There are family rules to be followed. And I knew that, but I still..." She sighs. It's a quiet, somber sound. "I shouldn't have said anything. I knew better. I knew he couldn't, knew we couldn't, but... I'm a fool, it seems. Now we both have to pretend it never happened, so Isidor doesn't tell me to stay away from my friend."

If anything, that's what hurts the most in all of this. It's a fine line to walk - that space between friendship and love. Now she has to find it, and hope she doesn't do something incredibly stupid in the mean time. ~~Like find a way to add magic to her blood.~~

The question of why is one she hasn't thought about. It causes her to blush all over again.

"I... admit I don't know." Her gaze drops to the snow at her feet. "I hadn't really thought about it until I I said it. But..." She hesitates as she thinks through this, a smile playing at her lips for the first time tonight. "He's sweet and kind. He's got an insatiable desire to help his friends, to learn everything he can, to understand it all, to be the best person he can be for the sake of everyone else. And he... he sees me. Under all the layers of terrible things I do and say, he sees me. No one's ever gotten me to open up like he has. If he asked anything of me, I'd do it without hesitation."

The blush on her cheeks spreads to her neck and ears. "None of that makes sense, does it?"

Harrow is quick to nod at her last question. "It makes sense. It makes perfect sense."

He sighs quickly and shakes his head then. "I'm gonna tell you some stuff, but first I gotta say... Amelia... It ain't my place to say whether or not you should be with someone. I can help you look at the good stuff and the bad stuff, but there ain't nothin' worse than someone else tellin' you your romance shouldn't be. I've had it happen to me. I've had it wreck somethin' wonderful. So I ain't gonna say that.

"And, listen, Amelia. You might not believe it, but I do know how terrible it feels to love someone who can't say they love you back. How fuckin' embarrassing, and painful, and shitty, and lonely it feels to tell someone you love 'em with all your heart, and they can't return that love. Don't think just 'cause I am the way I am, I don't get it. I'm older than I look, and I know some stuff about bein' human. I definitely know a lot about makin' mistakes. And these're just my opinions, and my perspective, and you can tell me to fuck right off and I ain't gonna be hurt. And with all that outta the way, here's what I think."

A brief pause for a gathering breath.

"It sounds to me like Viatorus is a good friend. And maybe, since, like you said, you got a... Prickly personality... You ain't used to havin' friends. You ain't used to anyone bein' as close to you as he is. It feels good when you're around him. It feels free, and you can be yourself. And he's a sweet young man who's got a lotta sympathy for all kinds of different folks. But romantic love and the love between two friends is very different love, Amelia. Romantic love is somethin' that happens after you pursue romance. You live together, work together, grow yourselves together and discover who you are for good and for bad. You date, you get in disagreements, you struggle through flaws and obstacles.

"Now, like I said, I ain't here to tell you you're wrong about what you feel, but... Have you done any of that with him? Is it possible the love you feel for him is the admiration and devotion you feel for a kind and carin' friend? Would you know the difference if you felt it?"

"Not all worlds allow for dating, Harrow. On mine, there's no such thing. You can woo someone with tokens of affection from afar, speak to them often, but most of the time? That happens after your marriage has already been arranged. There's no concept of casually seeing someone to figure out if they're the right one for you. Either you sense something when you first meet and get to know each other, likely over a nice dinner with both families, or you don't. If it's too awkward for all involved, and the match doesn't boast a net gain for all involved, then it doesn't happen. There might be times when you meet someone completely independent of all of that and fall in love with them, but there's still no dating. A marriage is arranged in short order if both parties involved feel they can make a life together and both families agree."

She has no idea about the dinner Harrow, Steve, and Viatorus all sat through together while they were swapped. This is just how things are where she's from.

"As for friends... I admit I haven't had many, but I have enough to know the difference between what I feel for a friend and what I feel for Viatorus. I've worked through struggles with several friends, had arguments with them, and had good times with them. We've laughed, we've cried, we've shared things we'd rather keep to ourselves. I've learned a lot about them, and they about me. But I've never sat down for an afternoon and done something as simple and enjoyable as watching movies with someone other than Viatorus and felt like I got something more... out of... it..."

As she trails off, she focuses on some of the distant trees, as if running through something in her head. And then, it hits her. That movie day with Viatorus. The intimate act of talking about all kinds of things that only people very close to each other share, all while enjoying movies, chocolate, popcorn, and wine... Her eyes widen in horror for a moment before she covers her face, having gone completely red again.

That was a date.

"Fuck. Fuck. Oh no. This... this is bad. Oh, fuck, Isidor is going to kill me."

Harrow listens to Amelia's speech with total impassivity. Now and then his eyes glance sideways as if he were considering what he's hearing, but it's impossible to tell what he's actually feeling. His cigarette runs down to its filter and he stamps it out in the snow, then lights himself another one. Just as he sets away his lighter she has her unexpected epiphany.

"Probably," he says without fully grasping the conclusion she's come to. "But I thought you said you worked an agreement out with her? And, hey. She hasn't killed me yet after what I did to him, so I figure you got a good chance of livin'." He scoff-laughs. Yikes. Well, that's not the subject, is it?

"So what's the deal? Why's she gonna kill ya?"

"We did. We're fine. But I... I figured out that I... That we..." She stamps her foot on the ground and throws her arms down with the same motion. "FUCK!"

It takes a few moments for her to regain her composure. "That day... where he invited me to his apartment in his world to watch movies, it could... in some ways... be considered a..." She looks around quickly before lowering her voice. "...a date..."

Harrow scrubs his hands around his cheeks.

"Or," he says slowly, sighing. "Since you don't date, and somethin' tells me he don't date, it coulda been an innocent, big-hearted kid bringin' his friend over to share somethin' he likes. If it was a date, wouldn't he have said? Wouldn't he have been the one to kiss you?"

Another sigh, this one long and heavy. "Amelia, it's a hard place to be in, and I know you wanna hear that he mighta been doin' it because he loves you. But wasn't he the one to say it couldn't be? Why would he have led you on if it couldn't be, Amelia? Do you think he's that cruel? Or just that oblivious? And if he's oblivious, is it fair to come onto him? All nobility and rules and all that shit aside... He's naive, Amelia. Like a child. I love him dearly, and I mean no disrespect, but he don't know human interaction from a hand grenade. The whole wide world outside his doors might as well be brand new to him."

His fingers pinch the bridge of his nose and he shakes his head. "Don't... Don't listen to me. I'm bein' all cynical and negative, and I said I wouldn't. Just... Damn, Amelia, now you got me all into this and thinkin' about the consequences and all'a that shit. Someone ain't comin' outta this unhurt."

Pausing, he clarifies quietly, "You ain't a fool or nothin'. Don't beat yourself up. You two're just... In a sad situation. I don't mean no disrespect."

"No, you don't get it." She sighs in a frustrated manner. "I don't think he's leading me on and I certainly don't want to lead him on, either." Beat. "It wasn't a date. We never called it that. And I don't want it to be a date either. But if someone were to take my feelings into account when thinking about it, they could call it a date. And that's bad. Isidor would kill me for that."

She starts pacing again and when she speaks, her voice is low and somber.

"I don't want him to get hurt by this. If anyone gets hurt, I want it to be me. This is all my fault and I don't want him to have to deal with the consequences of my actions." There's that martyr complex of hers again. Only this time, she's thought through what all of this means. A thoughtful frown plays at her lips as she stops pacing. "He deserves a chance at happiness with whomever his family chooses for him. It won't be me. It... it can't be me, given my lack of magic. So I'll do whatever it takes to make sure he has it. And if anything goes wrong, I'll be making damn sure that I'm the one who takes the fall in the end."

Harrow lowers his eyebrows and crosses his arms while he listens to more frustrations from Amelia and tries not to take it personally when once again she's saying he doesn't get it.

"It happened in the past, right? This was before you spoke to Isidor? So I don't think anything bad's gonna happen. I don't think she's one to dwell on the past so long as you do what she likes in the future. She forgave me for my mistakes and acted real gracious when we went to her family's mansion after that whole business with Doctor Hill. She might be serious, and she might have a hard role to play, but she ain't a total hard-ass, and she ain't evil."

He runs his hands through his hair even as he keeps his arms crossed before his chest.

"So your world's cut off... Your romance is cut off... Damn, Amelia. I think what you need is a job. Not even a hard job, just... Somethin' to keep your hands and mind busy. Somethin' other than bein' Viatorus's new dedicated emotional bodyguard. You gotta focus on your own life for a while, girl. Otherwise you'll turn into the pinin' knight in love with the prince she can't have, and I'll tell you what, that's gonna hurt more than anything."

He rubs his chin as if feeling for stubble, but of course his face will never be any rougher than it is.

"Give it a week or two, then ask him out for a friendly afternoon. Go to a library, go visit a park. Maybe bring a friend along so it don't feel too romantic. Learn how to feel like a friend again around him. This romantic hill's a hard one to climb, I know, but some day – soon, I hope – you'll reach the top and suddenly you'll realize that you really are happy with the way things are."

Edited 2016-03-02 14:54 (UTC)

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If this is too triggering in any way, let me know and I'll change it :o

Nope! It's cool

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You feel free to decide if this convo takes place before or after Amelia's chat with Isi!

We're going to say after, since that post was already going when we started this one =]

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Appropriate mood music: https://youtu.be/rWpeUltSYkg

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